Abby Westover

Me and Madelyn decided to write a book together. Don’t even ask where we got the idea, it’d take too long to explain.

 

The Hobo and the Man Bra

Dedicated to anyone with moobs. And also Coheed and Cambria.

Chapter 1eth

Claudio Sanchez was one of those guys who was really successful and loaded but nobody knew why. He was a mean jerk and he didn’t like puppies. His head was too small for his body and he watched Maury. But somehow he was a wealthy businessman, thriving in the lush plains of Las Vegas.

He worked for a big name underwear company called Elf Tower New Mexico. How he attained his high status is too boring of a story to tell, for as we all know, anything business related is a topic that makes babies cry because of its exceeding tedium.

So instead we’ll skip right down to the neeety greeety — the part where the conflict enters, which is the only bit of any story anyone really wants to read.

It was 4:00 P.M. and the office was holding a party in honor of Claudio and the huge sale he made to the Elite Vegas Nudist Colony. They celebrated with champagne and weenies, and after someone put some Baby Einstein in the boombox, the party really got started.

Things got a bit out of hand. It wasn’t long before Claudio was dancing on top of a table and singing along to the music.

Suddenly, disaster struck when Claudio’s shirt and tie got caught in the ceiling fan. Its force was so great that even though Claudio fought back, it overpowered him and tore off his shirt and tie.

The office party-goers gasped in shock, then the place went dead silent. And there Claudio stood, half naked, standing on a snack table next to a bowl of Cheetos and old shirt and tie circling overhead like a majestic flag.

Claudio thought, “This is awkward. Too awkward. I wish we were in an elevator so at least there would be the awkward elevator music to blame the awkwardness on. I hope they don’t notice my moobs.”

Somebody shrieked, “EW! Look at his MOOBS!”

“Oh my gosh, call the boss in right away!” said an anyonymous man by the name of Charlie Figgins-Pinkerton, who lived on 522 Booger Branch Lane, who still wishes to remain anonymous.

Claudio remained on the table, locked in his petrified stance.

A tall, well-built, handsome chap entered the room wit ha professional stride that seemed to say, “I am too awesome for this planet and ohmygosharethosefreakingmoobs?”

Kevin Jonas was his name, and he bossed the Las Vegas region of Elf Tower New Mexico. Like every sterotypical, pompous tool of a boss, he was the villain in the story.

His jaw dropped to the floor in disgust, he began to babble, “Ugh! Moobs?! That is unprofessional. Claudio, I’m sorry, but your moobs are so offensive that I’m gonna have to let you go.”

And so Claudio was fired. He shuffled pathetically out of the office building and onto the streets, still topless and now jobless.

To make a long story short, he was homeless for 10 months. He became a professional bum, all thanks to his unsightly moobs.

Days passed and Claudio wondered what he would have to do to reboot his life, or whether there was a way to do that at all. Feeling hopeless, he turned to drugs. Just as he was about to pop his first Advil Liqui-gel, a thundering voice bellowed from a then unknown location, which was later discovered to be the heavens.

“CLAUDIO SANCHEZ,” it boomed. “WHY DOTH THOU RESORT TO ADVIL LIQUI-GELS, THE TOP SELLING PAIN MEDICINE WHICH PROVIDES INSTANT RELIEF FROM HEAD AND BODY ACHES AND SYMPTOMS OF THE COMMON COLD, AND GOES DOWN SMOOTHLY, WITH MINIMUM SIDE EFFECTS?”

And to this a bewildered Claudio stammered, “W-what the crappeth? Who goes there”?

“HUH?” the voice grunted.

“….I said, who goes there?”

“OH…SORRY, I’VE HAD A HARD TIME HEARING OUT OF MY RIGHT EAR SINCE LAST WEEK’S FISHING TRIP…FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU SEE. EAR’S TOTALLY CLOGGED!”

“Oh…” said Claudio. “That’s unfortunate. Sorry to hear that. Ha, it also doesn’t help that my voice is probably muffled by this gross freaking beard I’ve been growing out over the past several months. You know the other day, someone mistook me for Billy Gibbons?”

“HAHAHA!” cracked the voice. “WHAT A HOOT! YOU KNOW WHAT’S IRONIC? BILLY GIBBONS AND THE OTHER ZZ TOP GUY EACH HAVE EPIC BEARDS, BUT THEIR DRUMMER, WHOSE NAME IS FRANK BEARD, HE’S TOTALLY CLEAN SHAVEN!”

“Hahaha! Well, isn’t that funny!” said Claudio.

Suddenly there was an awkward silence.

Then the voice spoke again. “CLAUDIO, I HAVE COME TO HELP YOU GET BACK ON YOUR FEET AGAIN.”

“Wait, who are you?” said Claudio.

“I AM DUCK, THE ALMIGHTY, THE ONE AND ONLY, THE SUPREME RUBBER BEING THAT DOTH RULE THE UNIVERSE.”

“Crap.”

“FEAR NOT, I MEAN NOT TO PUNISH YOU. YOU ARE OF GREAT IMPORTANCE TO THIS HUMAN RACE,” said Duck.

Claudio felt his eyes welling up with tears as he struggled to speak. “Oh, thank you, almighty, gracious Duck! I have purpose once again! You have come to save my soul, because I am worth it! Oh, thank you!”

“…ACTUALLY, CLAUDIO…NO. YOU’RE A BORING DOLT; YOU HAVE NOTHING GOING FOR YOU. THE ONLY REASON I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOU IS BECAUSE YOUR SON, WHO WILL BE NAMED AFTER YOU, IS OF EXCEEDING IMPORTANCE TO THE FUTURE. HE WILL BE WORTHY. BUT YOU, JUST…NO. SHUT UP.”

“Oh…” muttered Claudio. “Okay.”

“SO LET’S TALK ABOUT WHERE YOUR PROBLEMS STEM FROM,” Duck said. “WHY ARE YOU IN THE SITUATION YOU’RE IN NOW?”

“Well…I got fired at work,” replied Claudio.

“WHY IS THAT?”

“I dunno, I guess they were grossed out by my moobs.”

“MOOBS?” Duck asked. “WHAT MOOBS?”

Claduio then lifted up his ratty hobo shirt to reveal the type of pecs you only see on the offspring of Chris Farley and Koko the gorilla on one of its fat days.

Duck twitched in disgust. “JUDAS PRIEST, DUDE, DON’T POINT THOSE THINGS AT ME!”

Claudio sighed. “What am I to do, O Duck?”

“UH,” Duck said. “HAVE YOU TRIED APPLYING FOR WORK ELSEWHERE?”

“Nobody will hire me because of my moobs,” said Claudio.

“RIGHT. WELL, I HAVE THE CURE TO ALL YOUR TWO, DISGUSTING, HAIRY, BULBOUS, ATROCIOUS PROBLEMS,” Duck proclaimed. “CLAUDIO SANCHEZ, I PRESENT UNTO YOU THIS MAN BRA.”

And Claudio was delighted. He put it on and suddenly he was happier, the world was better, the sun shined brighter and the birds sang sweeter, soaring through the rich blue sky, which seemed to emanate joy to all those living under it, and a smile spread across Claudio’s face as he took in all the wonderfulness of life.

But even after he got his job back and started living again, he was still a boring doofus. His only redeeming act was that he gave birth…uh, his wife gave birth to their awesome son, also named Claudio Sanchez, who lived to form a freakin’ sweet band called Coheed and Cambria, which brings glee to the hearts of many this day.

But the story doesn’t end there. Kevin Jonas, Claudio’s tool of a boss, ended up as the father of three of the deadliest, most awful creatures ever to roam the planet. They are known as…the Jonas Brothers.

DUN DUN DUN

 

Chapter 2eth

The End

 

PICTURE OF THE DAY

(Click to enlarge)

That pretty much explains it, I think. We lost our original “Jesus” figure and need a new one. Yeah yeah I know I’m sacrilegious, my mom gives me crap about it all the time. Only it’s not sacrilegious, because we’re not saying that this person is actually THE Jesus, he’s just the person that holds like powers and responsibilities. Wait. Crap. That didn’t sound good either. I suck at this rubbish. Maybe this will work:

Said messianic figure is to the Church of Norman as Jesus is to Christianity.

Eh? But really it’s no different than Buddha or Muhammad either. Besides, you shouldn’t be discriminating against the Normans! We have rights too! LET US WORSHIP AS WE PLEASE YOU IGNORANT DOLTS!

I thought “messiah” would be pretty safe to use, since it doesn’t necessarily have to mean Jesus. But people will get their panties in a bunch no matter what I do, I guess. It also doesn’t really matter since we don’t want any butthurt goody-goods in this Normanism business anyway. They won’t be auditioning.

Help me decide!

What’s the best title?
	Miss(ter) Messiah 2009
	Idol Idol
	Godhead Tryouts
	Miss(ter) Salvation 2009
	Sacrilege FTW
	Other (let me know)
pollcode.com free polls

PICTURE OF THE DAY

And it came to pass that my blog was born, and I did stumble upon it and seek the site editor. And I looked at my front page and witnessed many retarded links of which held no relevance to me or my site. I wandered in the vast wilderness that was the admin page or something and discovered the source of my grief. I proceeded to obliterate it with my almighty web skillz. I was listening to Radiohead, who is an exceedingly awesome band and an excellent source of potassium. And I looked at my improved page and saw that it was good. Except for the part at the top right that says “Howdy! Welcome to Abby Westover!” And I did think amongst my many brains how I would never say something like that. Ever. “Off with it’s head!” I bellowed in anguish. Only I can’t figure out how to get rid of that crap, and so it remains there like an annoying Boy Scout trying to sell things that nobody really needs, like straw containers, WTF? So I made a mental note to inquire of my sagely father who can heal a web page with one flick of his scholarly hand. I then realized that mental notes become void when you forget about them. So I whipped out my handy dandy cell phone, a cell phone envied and admired throughout all the land because of it’s radiance and awesomeness. And I looked it in the retina and said unto it, “Let a reminder be engraved into my organizer to seek my father’s help.” And so it was done. And I threw chicken pot pies into the air because of my exceeding joy.

And I did skim over the previous paragraph and grew ashamed at the fact that most of my sentences began with “And”, which according to some grammar books is a deadly sin. And I foresaw that my future blog entries would cause me much entertainment as this one has done.

Well brothers and girl brothers, I must leave you at this time to listen to Megadeth and pursue employment opportunities, lest I dwindle and perish in poverty and irresponsibility, when I’d much rather dwindle and perish in large piles of money.

So I leave you with this awesome picture.