Abby Westover

Okay, I’ve known for months now that Aubree’s going on a mission.

BUT SERIOUSLY?!

It didn’t hit me until today. No, it didn’t even hit me until just moments before saying goodbye. This is super weird. And I know it’s supposed to be a happy thing, and she’s not freaking dying, she’ll be back in 18 months…but I can’t help but feel a little sad. Just a little. Okay fine, I bawled like 28 times today.

Aubree is my peer out of my family. She can make me laugh like nobody else can, and trust me, I laugh at everything, so that’s saying a lot about the power she has over my laugh prompt. Wtf am I gonna do while she’s gone? Who else do I have that is my elder, my equal, and my immature little brat all in one? After months of pretty much avoiding my friends because of their jackassness, I’ve taken solace in my family —  people I genuinely care for, have the time of my life with and go to when I need something. I’ve become more grateful for my family than I ever have been before, because I’ve learned that THEY are the ones who care, the ones who get me, and the ones who last, not stupid friends.

But of course family is still family…friends are an important difference. But Aubree is a special one for me, because like I said, she’s my friend too. She’s like those awesome two in one shampoo conditioners, and who doesn’t want to be compared to that? We can relate on music, movies, people, clothes, guys, Fred videos — the friendly focuses. Then we can be 100% comfortable with each other, exchange personal information and sisterly advice, share contact solution and sleep in the same bed…sometimes borrow my underwear…because I’m such a giving sister like that…grow up together, cry together, and attend family events together. And it rules to have someone like her at family events, because I’m not allowed to bring my other friends to those! : D

I always like to go to Aubree for advice because she shares a different perspective with me. I can go to Mom and Dad with a problem, but sometimes they just give me their old fart point of view, NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE HERE WHO IS MY MOM AND DAD. I could go to my friends, but they’re just downright stupid and don’t even understand me well enough to help me. So then there is Aubree, saving the day.

I know this is something she’s always wanted to do, and I know it will help her grow and crap. I’m not trying to be selfish or whiny. But I do feel a bit lonelier now. I know I can write her, but I’ll still somewhat be without a best buddy for a while.

But at least I don’t have to loan out my underwear anymore.

On my porch today a box was left with a note attached to it. It read:

Dearest Abby,

You might not know me yet and I’m not sure I know who you are either, but you and I will be in love someday. I think about you all of the time. I wonder about what you look like, what things you like to do, and what it is about you that will make me fall in love with you when I find you.

However, there are a few things that I know about you already. I know that you are a faithful daughter of our Heavenly Father and that you have a testimony of the gospel. I know that temple marriage is one of your goals and you don’t want to settle for less. I know that you are sweet and kind and you are feminine and fun loving.

Although you like to laugh and have a good time, I know you look at life seriously.

Abby, I’m not interested in the girl who gives her lips freely, or the girl who is immodest in dress and conduct. I’m not interested in the girl who changes her standards to fit her company, the girl who can’t see anything wrong with an occasional cigarette, an occasional drink, or an occasional bout of immorality.

I’m not looking for you among questionable company. I’m not looking for you at shady parties because you are not there.

Neither of us are perfect. Yet we will love each other for what we want to be as well as what we are.

And when we both see eye to eye we will kneel hand in hand and seek the inspiration of the Father. There will not be many tomorrow’s until we find each other. I’m waiting anxiously for that day!

Stay sweet and pure because I’ll be looking for you.

Until then, sweet dreams ,

Your future husband

*P.S. I included some delicious cake, because I just KNOW you’re the kind of person I’d run into at a cakewalk! And if you’re more of a pie person, I guess we’re just not right for each other, because I will not be looking for you at pie eating contests. That’s a questionable environment.

*P.S.S. Here’s a picture of me!

……………..

Hahaha fail!

Being the courteous, virtuous daughter of God I am, I RSVP’d immediately.

Dear future husband,

You and I aren’t going to get along very well.

1. You do so know who I am, you called me by name like twice, you creepy stalker.

2. “I know you look at life seriously” - Since when?! Keep dreaming.

3. My family and friends are considered by some to be questionable company, and so am I.  So good luck finding me if you’re not willing to be in my company!

4. THERE’S NO APOSTROPHE IN TOMORROWS!

5. I don’t know who told you I was sweet, kind and feminine, but you have been severely misguided.

6. Hey wait a second! Didn’t I read this same letter in the New Era, verbatim? Wow! Every girl’s future husband sure knows what he wants!

You sound super boring!

By the way, I already have like 10 husbands, so tough luck.

But thanks for the delicious cake!

But seriously folks, Young Womens leaders, or whoever left this on my doorstep, thanks, because I could not stop laughing while I was reading that letter!

But isn’t it kind of disturbing that whoever actually wrote that was probably a 65-year-old Mia Maids leader?

The biggest error I noticed in my future husband’s love note was that there will be no future husband, because in the future, all human life will be eradicated by robots. Robotic beings will rule the world.

“The humans are dead

The humans are dead

We used poisonous gases

And we poisoned their asses”

Flight of the Conchords rule.

*This segment of the letter was not actually on the one I received, in case you weren’t smart enough to figure that out

PICTURE OF THE DAY

The Fresh Prince theme song is so inspiring, I wrote my own parody of it. About Jesus. 

Fresh Prince of Nazareth

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Middle East born and raised
In the temple was where I spent most of my days
Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool
And preachin and teachin outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin makin trouble in my neighborhood
I got persecuted and my mom got scared
She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in bel Air’

I whistled for a donkey and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this ass is rare
But I thought ‘Now forget it’ - ‘Yo home to Bel Air’

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the donkey ‘Yo homie smell ya later’
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Nazareth doesn’t rhyme with rare or there. Thus Jesus is also the prince of Bel Air. You might have skipped over that part in the Bible.

I get a buttload of spam here. It sucks.

(Waits for spam)

I was looking back through my pictures over the years.

Age 13:

Have I always been this screwed up?

Back in my one-eyed days. Wait I’m still like that. Oh well, it’s incurable.

Age 14:

And you thought it couldn’t get any worse.

This is what happens when I’m left alone with hairspray and a camera.

If you have questions you can ask them, I’m not going to explain this one.

Age 15:

What a traumatizing year.

I kinda look like that yellow cake ice cream stuff here.

Age 16:

Promotional pics for Red’s Mom. She was running for financial chair at Alta. (You can’t even see her in the picture)

Looks like my pictures are going to stay comical. My mom even laughed at my driver’s license.

Seriously, even as a kid:

Don’t tell me I’m the only one that laughed at that ^

(Mud)

I would probably be much more comfortable posing for pictures, Dad, if given a can of peanuts and allowed to wear it.

I’m really not sure what else needs to be asked.

Plot structure seems to fade even more with every dream I have.

The latest started at a haunted house. Since I’m pretty jumpy when it comes to stuff like that (and scary movies), I guess I looked pretty scared, because some stranger in a metallic magenta costume offered me his/her arm to grab onto. I eagerly accepted and thanked the person and held onto him/her tight.

Part way through, Aubree and Emma were suddenly there. Poor Emma got so freaked out. When we got to the end, we wound up in a room made of wood, and all the haunted house goers took a seat. We voted on what monster or whoever was the scariest, then we got to choose a prize. I dangled a fishing line into a basket of prizes and what did I get? A fishing hook. Not too different from the one I used to fish it out with. Lame.

Then it was Emma’s turn, so I helped her and made sure she didn’t get something stupid like a hook. She got a small yellow toy horse.

When it was time to leave, someone told me I’d dropped my keys. I went to pick them up but some lady did because she’d also dropped her keys, somehow right on top of mine. She took her set and tried to give me mine, but there was some confusion and I didn’t end up getting them until I had to pick them up off a chair on my own.

I walked out of the wooden room and right into a mall. (Weird I’ve dreamt about this mall before too) Aubree and Emma weren’t with me anymore; they’d told me to meet them in the car ASAP. So I wandered around, and I saw this freaking idiot group of kids I knew from middle school. They were standing outside of what was supposed to be a popular clothing store, simply titled…a word my mom doesn’t allow us to say.

I just kinda stood there and watched the kids. Then one of their friends came up. He was tall and built and kinda Indian. One of the other guys from the group started to comment on the tall dude’s large, hairy neck, and how it looks like his dad’s. Then I left.

NEXT SCENE, I was at a show. One band got on, supposedly they were Anberlin, but the guy from my dream the night before, the one who was going out with the sports girl (the couple I hugged) was playing guitar with them. Later I talked to him and he asked me to send him the pictures I took of the show. I was like “Ok” and that was it.

Ta da.

What a stupid dream. Months ago, before school started, I’d had a dream about Alta, only it looked weird and different. But it looked better than it does in real life. Smelled better too.

Anyway, in Sunday’s dream I returned to that weird Alta, with Enoch for some reason. We just ran inside to get the backpack out of my old locker. Of course, in the dream even, this was MONTHS after I’d left Alta, and I didn’t remember wtf my locker combo was. But somehow my locker was open just enough where I could pull it all the way open and grab my backpack. I could see there was more in my locker, but I slammed it shut before I thought of taking it. So that crap is lost forever, I guess.

Oh yeah, before that though, Andy Milonakis was standing by my locker, observing high school life, and said something to the effect of “Everybody thinks those guys are cool [points to someone] But if you really want to be cool, you have to be Korean.”

Anyway, after I got my backpack, I was like “K, we have to hurry the crap home, Enoch. Mom doesn’t even know we’re here.”

So, Alta’s a big place. We were looking for the stairs that lead downstairs and to the exit. First we found some that we couldn’t even fit down. Then a staircase for handicapped kids only. Finally we found an escalator. There were people all over it, just lounging around, talking and stuff. Up over the railings, on the steps, everywhere. We headed on down the escalator and Enoch started to talk to some dude standing over the railing. I had no idea who this kid is, but he reaches down and starts to touch my nose with a green crayon. I was like WTF?

So, an escalator, right? Moving stairs? I was holding onto the railing, moving on down. At the bottom of the ride I first notice not the stairs running out, but the railing. So I ran back up to where I was standing. Then I saw this awesome couple I know. Surprisingly happy and cool for their age. I called out to them a couple times and they finally heard me and smiled.

Then for some reason I was back at the top of the escalator. I saw the couple on the steps talking to the green crayon kid over the railing along with other people. I hop down the steps and embrace the couple. The guy turns to me and says, “It doesn’t matter, I don’t see you.” In my dream that pissed my off and hurt me for some reason, so I just left.

We got home and Mom didn’t notice we’d gone anywhere. I went online and saw the girl’s (of the couple) Facebook or Myspace or something. She was really into sports, guitar, everything. I remember thinking “She’s happy because she has so many hobbies.”

Then I looked in the mirror and someone had drawn dirty graffiti on my face near my mouth. With bold black ink. Very detailed.

So there’s that bit of WTFness.

PICTURE OF THE DAY

Freaking trippy/scary dream this morning.

Basically, chaos everywhere — the world was falling apart, at least physically. Earthquakes, fires, buildings collapsing, and everybody freaking the heck out. The skies were purple, which in reality would be freaking cool, but they went unappreciated in my dream.

Anyway, I was sitting up against one of the crumbling buildings. I don’t know what my matter was, but SOMETHING was wrong and I just sat there against the wall. Nate, Terry, Chris, Aaron, and other random friends of mine were standing by me, watching over me and the building. Dad was too. They were trying to get me up, but I just stayed there for a real long time, couldn’t/wouldn’t get up. The building was going to perish and fall on me eventually, but I didn’t do anything. Still just sat there. Everyone stood there urging me to stand and leave with them, almost coaxing. Then at the last second, when the building finally comes tumbling down, one of my friends grabbed me out of the way in the nick of time.

So, next scene — our family was frantically wandering, looking for somewhere to go, but the world was ending, and there was nowhere safe to stay. So, Dad leads us somewhere, and I couldn’t see any of the other family members around, but they were there. Except Madelyn, I was holding her. We were a few feet behind Dad, whose hair suddenly burst into flames. I said, “Hey, your hair’s on fire.” He simply hit himself on the back of the head a few times and put the fire out. (It was a freakin bright flame too) Then as we were walking, a small/roundish tree’s branches and leaves burst into flame too. Then I, standing right beside it, said to it, “Hey, your hair’s on fire.” Which I thought was hilarious and started cracking up, even as everyone around me was screaming and racing around in panic.

Hmm.

So, since there’s nowhere on Earth safe to go, I guess we decided to try space. I have no clue how we got there, but after the burning tree thing, next thing I know we’re floating freely in space. Still holding Madelyn, the nervous wreck she is, she’s terrified but not crying. Crap, I was terrified too. We were clutching each other tightly, because you know, we were dangling in outer space and all. We were approaching the moon, which was becoming overwhelmingly bigger the closer we got. Somehow, I could see the earth behind it, which was HUGE, huger than the moon by a ton, and the size of these things was stupifying and staggering. And there we were, mortals jumping into the moon, no space gear or nothing. Not even peanut butter and crackers like Don Knotts had in The Reluctant Astronaut.

The image of the freakin huge planets woke me up earlier than I planned. I don’t know why, but ever since seeing a movie about whales in the first grade, I’ve been intimidated and dumbfounded by really huge things. Not scared, more awe-struck. Things like whales, really tall buildings, and now, the moon up close. But wait…

Note to self, no pet elephants in the future.

*Sadly crosses out #187 on list of goals*

WTF.

Because, WTF.

2/3’s dream almost felt like a game of Clue. Our family was at some kind of pot luck get together with several other families. And at one point, some lady just gets murdered. So for the rest of the day, everyone’s scrambling, trying to find out who’s guilty.

There was a part where me, Aubree, Mom, other people, and two guys were sitting in the main room talking about the murder, when one guy complains about the heat. The other guy gets up to check the thermostat. “Oh my god,” he says. “Someone’s turned this up all the way! If it’s up all the way, our testicles will explode!” And then somehow they made the connection that the person who committed the murder was also the one who turned up the balls-bursting thermostat.

(Thank you random Photobucket search results)

So, later, the culprit was somehow discovered. Not by me, but at least by Aubree and Dad. It was decided that Aubree would go up and ask some girl 3 questions whose answers would somehow reveal the identity of the murderer. Every family was gathered in a small room, and at the last minute, Dad says, “And Abby will now come and ask the questions.” And everyone was like “Wtf don’t you mean Aubree?” and he’s all like, “No”, so I shuffled through the crowd and said something to the effect of “Eh, so now I’M freakin interrogating her?” So I asked her some crappy questions, making it all up as I went along.

Eventually, as I’m failing hard, the murderer is introduced and brought into the room. Turns out it was a kid about my age who had been at the get together all day, he was part of one of the families. Actually, the lady he killed was his mom, so I was like, way to go, butthole.

He had a partner in crime — some guy in a business suit that looked like Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. (HAHAHAHA)

I was surprised to find out who it was, but I had also kinda known it was that kid who was guilty because I hadn’t seen him in the overstuffed little room of families when we were all waiting for the outcome.

Oh yeah, and I remember thinking at the end that the killer had cooked his victim and she was chopped to bits in a crockpot. WTF? AGH pot lucks=BAD

Really weird. I don’t know what the crap to make of this dream so I’ll just leave it at that…and hopefully never dream it again.

Why can’t I dream about unicorns and crap? Rainbows, glitter, puppies, sunshine, llamas living under my porch…oh wait…